


What Do I Have to Lose?

by SassyHBIC



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/F, Lot of dialouge, past relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-25
Updated: 2014-10-25
Packaged: 2018-02-22 13:47:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2509967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SassyHBIC/pseuds/SassyHBIC
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maria doesn't know what do when she feels the other woman's hands on her waist keeping her steady. She doesn't know if she want's this to be a figment of her imagination or real.<br/>So Maria does the only thing she can, she takes a step back hitting her back against the table at the entrance, creating a throbbing pain in her lower back. She sees the blonde woman move to step closer, but raises her hands to stop her and sees the briefest amount of confusion and hurt grace the emerald eyes she once knew so well.<br/>And after a moment of heavy breathing, when did it become so hard to survive? Maria feels a wetness on her cheeks— is she crying? She manages to find her voice, the one that's been lodged in her throat and croaks out the one word that's always been enough to break her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Do I Have to Lose?

**Author's Note:**

> Short, very short, one-shot. It's slightly angsty and I hope it's not too horrible. Tell me your thoughts please.

It really shouldn’t come to any surprise how stuffy the congress room is, specifically to Maria. But what the now Human Resources employee does find surprising is the fact that she once again is in a congress room being questioned about the same damn thing.

She’s tired and cranky and if she’s being honest, her ass has fallen asleep again. Yet, the men sitting across from her don’t seem to get that they’re talking in circles. It doesn’t help that it’s the same men, a Senator, a Congressman, A Judge and the Commander of Arms of D.C.

“Ms. Hill,” The Judge states, “How did you become involved with SHIELD?”

“You know that answer. You know everything about me,” Maria says, waving her right hand to emphasize her point. “You know everything about SHIELD, all that information was made public. So, what I don’t understand is why you’re still asking me the questions you know the answers to already?”

The Senator leading the case groans rubbing his temple before returning his gaze to Maria, who looks quite bored sitting in front of the panel of uneasy men.

“Ms. Hill,” He sighs, “It appears you had a grudge against the Avengers initiative yet you still help, actively might I add, them. Why?”

Maria pauses for a second feeling a twinge in her heart before she looks up to reply.

“I thought it was a stupid idea,” her answer is blunt, something the spectators are not expecting. “I hated it from the beginning but I wasn’t in charge Director Fury wished for it to happen so it did.”

“You were second in command,” the Commander of Arms, retaliates. “You expect us to believe that as SHIELD’s second in command you had no power regarding the Avenger Initiative?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying,” Maria admits taking a sip from her water. “In case it’s not clear, gentlemen. SHIELD and The Avengers Initiative are two separate projects that do not depend on one or the other.”

“Yet, you worked, trained, and watched over SHIELD Agents who were part of the Avengers Initiative?” The question is pushed.

“Yes,” Maria nods, slightly stiffly. “I was in charge of vetoing and passing who could potentially be an Avenger. I, however, did not control any of their missions or have part in them.”

“What about Agents Barton and Romanoff?” The Head Congressman questions.

“What about them?” Maria asks, these are questions that keep being asked. When will they stop and see that she won’t say anything else.

“They were a part of SHIELD as well as being active members of the Avengers Initiative. It even appears you were tied to one of them romantically, is that true?”

Maria laughs, and in the back of her head she can already predict the headlines for tomorrow –‘SHIELD’s Second Insane Meltdown’, they’d probably be more creative, she muses.

“You have all my files at the touch of your fingertips yet you ask me the answers to the questions you already know? If you even bothered to read the exposed Intel, you’d know that I was involved with not one or two, but three SHIELD members. Surprisingly not my boss, shocking a woman did not have to sleep her way to the top. But wait, you already knew all that, so I’ll ask again gentlemen, why am I here?”

“I’d watch my tone,” The lead Senator replies. “You’re not in the clear, Ms. Hill. We have enough motive to arrest you.”

Maria stands at this point and shakers her head. “But you won’t. You won’t arrest me, no what will happen is you will all get frustrated and I will too, but no arresting will take place. Not tonight and not ever, because what will happen is I will walk out that door, tonight. I will walk home and be followed by your lousy attempts at security. I wonder what will it be tonight; a midnight jogger, a homeless woman, or a lost college student. I will arrive home, to my apartment where my block is currently looked over by the CIA, FBI, and NSA, because you all argue about my security and who can keep an eye on me the best when in reality your surveillance is, honest to dear god, crap. I will probably lay down with a glass of wine and enjoy a peaceful dinner before my phone rings. And when I pick it up, I know you’ll all try to tap into it just like you try to take my gun daily, and it’ll be my boss on the other line asking if I’m up for dinner, or my best friend asking me if she can come over? But I can guarantee it won’t be anything you need. And even if it was, I know there is no way you would get the information you so desperately crave.”

“You’re treading dangerous territory here,” The Judge mentions.

“With all due respect, I’ve treaded dangerous territory my whole entire life, Your Honor,” Maria replies. “And my point still stands, you won’t arrest me, I’m not your priority.”

“Ms. Hill,” The Judge pushes standing up as well. “Why go to these lengths to argue?”

“You heard Agent Romanov. If you want to arrest us, you know where to find us, but you won’t. Because you know she was right. You need us just as much as you hate us.”

“Do you still keep contact with Ms. Romanoff?”

“No,” Maria answers, barley frowning.

“You expect us to believe you?” The Senator asks.

“No, but it’s the truth.”

“Ms. Hill,” the Commander of Arms presses, “What makes you so sure we won’t press charges against you on behalf of the American people?”

“You can try all you want, but you won’t arrest me,” Maria spoke calmly, her gaze never straying from the prosecutors. “You won’t arrest me because you have no solid ground. You have proof but not the one you want or need to put me away. You won’t arrest me because you don’t have the guts. So no, I am not afraid Congressman of what I say because nothing will come of it. And even if something did, I wouldn’t care.”

The room has gone silent, not even a click of a camera shutter can be heard. And the blue eyed woman waits, with her arms crossed, she waits to be told off to have a random cop come arrest her, but nothing happens. Nothing happens because Maria knows nothing will happen to her, she’s too good at her job to not know the outcomes of all the possible scenarios. So another minutes passes with no motion from the people and Maria sighs, she sighs heavily and tiredly and suddenly for a moment just a small moment the live cameras and the witnesses’ of the room see how the mask slips for a portion of a second. They see the hollowness in the Agent’s eyes, they see the tiny miniscule detail of slouched posture, they see the years of demons Maria’s kept away for that small ounce of moment before the trained soldier has returned. And with the return of the Deputy Director comes Maria’s finals words:

“So no Senator, Congressman, Your Honor, I’m not afraid of what you might have planned. Because you have no endgame and until you have an endgame I’m just at your beck and call. If you excuse me, I do have work to get back to.”

Maria bends over gathering her portfolio and pulling on her blazer. She turns to nod slightly to the stunned men before making her way out of the courtroom. She’s reaching the door when she’s stopped by the Judge.

“Ms. Hill?”

Maria freezes but does not turn, she waits.

“If you don’t care, why go through all the trouble of protecting those who aren’t here?”

Maria smiles slightly before turning, aware of the cameras that follow her every movement.

“You’ve lost people Your Honor?” (It’s clear she doesn’t expect and answer.) “With time you move on because the world keeps spinning without them. But what do you do when the world keeps spinning with them still here but so far away you don’t even know the strangers in the crowd anymore? What happens when you have nothing less to lose? I could spend the rest of my life in a cell or being the wealthiest person on earth but it wouldn’t matter because at the end of the day, I have nothing else to lose. I lost everything the moment SHIELD went down.”

No one asks more questions once the doors swing shut, no one dares to make a sound.

 ***************************************************************************************************

_‘You’re going to get a life sentence in prison if you keep this shit up, Mar.’_

“Sharon,” Maria exhales into her phone as she walks into her apartment complex and up the stairs to her floor, “lovely to hear from you again. Should I be expecting you at my house again?”

_‘Not tonight Maria. I have something to tell you though.’_

“Out with it, Shar.”

_‘She’s back.’_

“What?” Maria mentions freezing at her door.

_‘She’s back…and she wants to see you.’_

“Where?” Maria swallows turning the key.

_‘Your apartment.’_

“Thanks for the warning,” Maria growls, as the door opens. “I’ll call you back.”

The door opens letting the low light of the hall illuminate her otherwise dark apartment. Leaning opposite to the door, between her two living room windows, she stands. With her brown leather jacket and ripped jeans, her shoulder length—wait is that blonde?—hair tousled, and her permanently painted smirk gracing her beautiful face.

“Hey you,” she greets.

And Maria can’t form a reply because she’s suddenly not in the moment but she’s being launched back into the past three months ago when the three new Hellcarriers were sunken into the Potomac. Where she spent one of her last nights in D.C. before her professional life went down the drain. But more importantly where Maria, lost the one thing that made her hold onto her personal life, where she lost the person who made her care.

*************************************************************************************************** 

_*Night After The Hellcarriers*_

_“Maria,” Natasha spoke up quietly, their living room was a mess. It was a chaos of files and paperwork, of passports and documents, of field reports and medical records. And in the middle of the disarray stood Maria spewing different sentences expressing how they needed to redirect their attention onto more pressing matters. On how they needed to focus on certain secrets that couldn’t make their way online or that hadn’t yet and should never leak into the public’s sight. She had a specific file that was under lock in key in her apartment back in NYC that she needed to deal with: a personal file in relation to her loved ones, one that could never be found out about for fear of what it could do to those she cared about. “Maria.”_

_But Maria was lost in a sea of thoughts, of priorities, of work, and Natasha needed to speak to her soon before she lost her nerve._

_“Maria,” Natasha tried once again, a bit louder hoping to catch the older woman’s attention._

_But nothing happened and Natasha was growing desperate, she could feel the time ticking by. She could feel the walls closing in and she could feel herself already starting to slip away._

_“Maria, please, we need to talk,” Natasha pressed stepping closer only to rethink her actions and take two step back._

_“Talk?” Maria mumbled, “We can talk later, Nat. I need to finish this sorting and figure out the best action. The government won’t take that long figuring out where I am and who I am and these need to be dealt with.”_

_“Maria, this is important.”_

_“I know, Nat,” Maria assured, turning to meet her girlfriend’s gaze before returning to the papers. “But we’ll both be dragged off to court soon and I want to be prepared. I want us to be prepared for every possible outcome scenario.”_

_Natasha sighed slumping into herself before walking over to the middle of the room and pulling Maria towards the bedroom._

_“Natasha!” Maria hissed, trying to pry herself away from the redhead. “You’re going to pull your stitches!”_

_“You know I’ve suffered worse,” Natasha argued. “I’ll be fine, but we need to talk, now!”_

_“Okay, okay,” Maria answered sensing the nervousness and callousness Natasha was feeling. “Talk to me, Nat.”_

_“I’m testifying tomorrow,” Natasha mentioned, watching Maria pause for the first time in the night._

_“Already?” Maria asked._

_“Yes,” Natasha confirmed. “Stark managed to beat the services, said it’d look better if I talked before anyone could come looking. But that’s not what I need to talk to you about.”_

_“You’re testifying?” Maria repeated. “Shit. Natasha, we need to work on what you’re going to say, this is no longer about a case. This is about you, what are you going to say.”_

_“Maria, stop!” Natasha whispered pulling the brunette closer. “I know what I’m going to say, but I don’t want to talk about that with you right now. I need to talk about us.”_

_“Us?” Maria paused for another second, “What do you mean by that?”_

_“This whole thing,” Natasha said, gesturing her left hand in a circular motion around them. “Is affecting us.”_

_“No it won’t,” Maria argued. “It hasn’t and it won’t, I promise you. When you joined SHIELD, I promised that we’d protect you and that’s exactly what’s going to happen. I’m going to protect you, Nat. Nothing can hurt you and nothing will hurt us.”_

_Natasha shook her head as she pulled Maria closer, close enough for them to share each other’s breaths._

_“I’m sorry Maria, but after tomorrow. I need to leave.”_

_“What?” Maria whispered. “No, why?”_

_“You know why,” Natasha sighed. “They’re going to see my files and they’re going to want me dead. I can’t give them that opportunity yet. I can’t give that to them, instead I’m going to play my way and make it out of there. But for that to happen, this can’t keep happening. Because Maria, they will do everything to bring me down and they’ll use you, and your family, and your friends and I can’t have them destroy you, like they will destroy me. After tomorrow, I’m leaving.”_

_Maria didn’t know how to reply, she stood frozen in Natasha’s arms with an overwhelming urge to scream and cry._

_“Nat,” Maria said, pulling the younger woman into herself even closer. “Don’t. Please don’t do this.”_

_Somewhere through her sentence, Maria’s voice cracked and so did Natasha’s composure. Because minutes later they were sprawled on their bed sharing heated kisses and reciting “I love you’s” in all the languages possible. And somewhere after 3am, Natasha stood up from the bed where Maria had already fallen asleep and cried. She cried silently without making any noise, she suffered internally as she dressed herself and packed a bag as well as another bag with a suit appropriate for the trial. She spent one last moment over their bed, kissed the worry lines off Maria’s forehead and left the apartment leaving behind her key, her past, and her heart._

_And when Maria woke up the following morning all she did was swallow a choked sob and cry silently as well for not being strong enough to stop the onset of events._

_***************************************************************************************************_

Maria doesn't know what do when she feels the other woman's hands on her waist keeping her steady. She doesn't know if she want's this to be a figment of her imagination or real. She doesn't want this to be part of her reality. She just doesn't know what she wants and that scares her.

So Maria does the only thing she can, she takes a step back hitting her back against the table at the entrance, creating a throbbing pain in her lower back. She sees the blonde woman move to step closer, but raises her hands to stop her and sees the briefest amount of confusion and hurt grace the emerald eyes she once knew so well.

And after a moment of heavy breathing, when did it become so hard to survive? Maria feels a wetness on her cheeks— is she crying? She manages to find her voice, the one that's been lodged in her throat and croaks out the one word that's always been enough to break her.

"Natasha?"

Before she manages to black out.


End file.
